This is a personal thread. I don't expect you to take any interest in it, but if you do, please only respond if you have something serious/honest to say. Thank you.
I think I'm starting to settle with my life right now.
It has always kept me down.. the whole "no time for life" excuses and life complaining.
I don't know if my thoughts were valid or not.. I can't express how I feel about my life easily.
Who can? It wouldn't surprise me if theres a lot of people out there who just can't get how they really feel out.
Be it words or tears or any way of outpouring the emotion pent up in their lives.
It's hard for me to say.. how I, over the course of the last few years, have dealt with "growing up".
How much of it was me - having to deal with it?
I try not to take for granted the fact I'm blessed with a wonderful family - parents, three sisters and two brothers.. and the experiences that have graced my relatively turbulant life for lack of better words.
Moving about has been prominant in the majority of my teenage years so far.. along with the burdens its carried.. not being able to sustain long-term relationships with anybody other than the people I'm living with.. has been hard. I will not deny that.
As long ago as it was I wonder "what if I stayed in the UK?".
My life would've been completely different - that's for sure... I was friends with most of the kids I was around then.
Forgive me for the overused and bleak statement - "life goes on".
..........
Ha ha, I'm starting to lose focus of what I'm trying to get at.
Its ended up this way.. spending my days working and at home in the meantime.. and a for a long time it hadn't settled with me.
It's almost been a year I think.. since I started working. Not all that much has changed..
But over the weekend I think I felt happy with my life. A part of me resisted.. the part of me who never likes to take things as they really are.
And today.. I came home... smiling. Really Smiling. It's nice. It's an always welcome and lovely feeling.. being happy. The warm, honest feeling of comfort where all worries subside and everything is fine.
I'm not trying to say I'm a stranger to happiness. I'm human.. and with the family I have.. I smile quite an awful lot more than a lot of people.
I don't appreciate it as much as I should.
"Why are you smiling all the time?" I was told my collegue today.
"Am I really smiling that much?" I replied.. trying not to admit it.
"Are you on a Forum or something?" he asked.
"It's hard not to find something funny on the internet" I said bluntly - grinning.
...
"I'm not against smiling or anything, of course not" he said soon after a silence.
Why was I smiling? This wasn't just a good mood smile.. it was a full on happy face.
I was chatting to someone.
our conversation, albeit fragmented, kept making me grin because it was such a simple conversation.
I haven't known this person for long and we were exchanging our simple details.. musical taste.. hobbies and such.
Is life really this simple?
As unashamadly cheeky as we were to each other.. which made me laugh on the inside.. another part of me laughed at why I was doing what I was doing in the first place.
Why? Isn't time meant to be treasured? Why am I wasting this time? Aren't I supposed to be working?
Learning not to care about the details was a of mine over the past few days. And it enabled me to be happy - not depressed over the depressing side of life.
Because I'm human I know this state of mind, while I can become more accustomed to it, cannot be a constant - because nothing is ever a constant.
"Do you have any friends?" the stranger asked me.
My mind wanted to think yes.. but almost automatically I typed "No". Going on to talk about how moving about cost my education as well as any friendship I've ever made over the years I've spent abroad.
"I'm happy though - I speak to people over the internet and have stayed in contact with them." I said.
I knew it was a truthful lie.
"Maybe I will make friends someday." My School Days are gone. There are memories that could have been - and I'm starting to crave them.. as impossible as it is.. what hope am I hanging onto?
It was 6:02pm - I should've already left work, and my Dad had already left without me.
My collegue was shutting down his computer and getting ready to go.. but staring at that conversation box, and a couple of others.. with a way I can fill my life with something I've been able to get over this bridge.
Will this bridge fall?
While I hope not.. it was part of the revalation of not caring - I also learned that accepting my past instead of questioning it helped.
This is how things ended up.
Now all I can do is try and make my future better by making an effort of here and now, because I will regret it later if I don't.. even when I know I'll try questioning myself anyway - for any actions I take. Whatever they may be.
I'm not sure where I wanted to go with this.. I guess I find speaking my mind theraputic. Some of you already know this I'm sure.
God knows why efforts will be crushed, and dreams shattered - just as much as miracles happen, and fortunes become a reality. For anyone. It's almost as if life is a game. It's almost starting to feel like I'm playing along with gods game - and the acceptance - is accepting I'm part of an inevitable cycle of life I can choose to continue or end.
Either way, things seem to be alright for now. And you know what? I think I'll be alright with that. |
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